07.26.10
Posted in family, theology at 9:05 pm by david
I love my daughter. I mean, I really, head-over-heels, love her. She is so cute, so smart, so sweet, so well-behaved, so fun. I know most parents think their kid is the best but, well, most parents haven’t met Anna. She brings so much joy to our lives. I love it when she hugs me, when she climbs on me, when she asks me to do things with her, when we laugh together, when we read together, when I’m singing along with one of her CDs and she says, “No daddy sing.”
As much as I love her, though, God loves her more. But what really leaves me flummoxed, is that as much as I love Anna, God loves me more. I have a really hard time comprehending that. I don’t doubt it, but it is a truth to which I am more inclined to reply, “Yes, that statement is theologically accurate,” than, “I know! Isn’t it awesome?!”
I’ve really been trying to use my love for Anna to better understand, and feel, the Father’s love for me. I don’t doubt for a moment that He loves me — He shows it in so many ways. I just struggle with the emotional connection. First, my heart is so full with my love for Anna, that I have a hard time understanding a love greater than that, let alone a love so perfectly greater than that. Second, I know that He knows what I know. And do. And think. And I know I have grieved Him so many times that I prefer to just gloss over it and say “so many times.” Despite that, He loves me more than anyone ever could love me and more than I ever could love anyone. That’s crazy!
Our community group is reading through Crazy Love right now. It looks at the same question from the other side: Do I love God more than anyone and anything? Am I head-over-heels in love with Him? What should my life look like if I really do love Him as much as I say I do?
Francis Chan has video introductions for each chapter. I like the video for Chapter 8. It resonates with me. I am comfortable with and agree with what he says. I don’t like the video for Chapter 6 as much. That is much harder. Basically, he asks if I love God for who He is, or for what He gives. If you took away all the ways He has blessed me, in this world and the next, do I love Him? Or, (paraphrasing Chan as he paraphrases John Piper) if I could have Heaven with no pain, no sadness, all of my friends and family, but not Jesus, would I be satisfied?
I really, really want to be able to answer “No” to that question. Not because I know that is the “correct” response, but because I want to have that love for Him, that intimacy with Him, that I feel that I could never be satisfied if I don’t have Him. I know that I can’t be fully satisfied without Him, but I want to feel it. I want to long to spend time with Him the way I long to spend time with Anna. Even more, I want to feel His joy at spending time with me, as I feel joy spending time with Anna.
Permalink
07.21.10
Posted in frustrations, money at 2:28 pm by david
Even though using one of your ATMs to get reimbursement for health expenses may be preferable for you, it is not a valid option for the following reasons:
- The amount I am requesting exceeds the daily ATM limit on my account
- Last I checked, ATMs did not stock singles, so I would not be able to get the full amount
- Even if I could get the correct amount out, I don’t want to walk around with that kind of cash
- Oh, yeah. There is not a single Wells Fargo ATM in central Arkansas.
Cordially,
David Felio
Permalink
07.03.10
Posted in animals, family at 12:30 am by david
Old House (living room)
Before:
After:
New House (living room)
Before:
After:
(Sorry for the camera phone picture on this one)
Read the rest of this entry »
Permalink
04.29.10
Posted in animals, family at 8:17 pm by david
Tomorrow we sell our house. Our first house. The house where we found out that Jennifer was pregnant. The house we brought Anna home to. The house where we found out that Jennifer was pregnant again. The house that was probably the first loving home Sasha, Russ, and Bailey knew. The house that was the last home Sasha and Russ knew. As I wait for 3PM tomorrow when we close, I find myself having a much more difficult time than I anticipated. It isn’t because I think it is the wrong decision or the wrong timing. It isn’t uncertainty about the new house. It is because that was the house where our family blossomed and grew for over 11 years. That house saw us grow from a couple, to a couple with a dog, to a family with a dog, to a family, and back (a couple of times). We entered as two and we leave as five.
Thinking back over some of the myriad things God has brought us through in that house, one of the things I keep coming back to is Sasha. Tomorrow we close on our old house—2 weeks before the first anniversary of her death. That house is one of the few tangible connections I still have to her. That’s where her bed was; that’s where we would nap on the floor together; that’s the fireplace tile where she liked to lie. And that, right there by the breakfast bar, that is where I held her for the last time. That is where I gently stroked her head as she breathed her last. That ground is almost sacred to me. It almost feels like a desecration to leave that to someone else to tend—someone who has no idea the love and loss that was felt there.
There were plenty of joyful times, too, which aren’t any easier to leave behind. God blessed us so far beyond expectation (and certainly even further beyond what we deserved) during our time there. That was where Jennifer greeted me at the door to tell me she was pregnant with Anna (on the same day our niece was born). That was where Jennifer woke me up to tell me she pregnant again (on Valentine’s Day). That was Anna’s first room (and it was beautiful). That was where Anna first crawled, pulled up, walked, rolled over, tried cereal.
The house had its annoyances. It was not the perfect house. But it was the right house and it was a blessing.
Intellectually, I know that moving does nothing to diminish Sasha’s memory or life. I can only hope that God will bless us with even more joyous milestones in the new house. I know we would (most likely) have to move at some point. I know this move is good for our growing family. I know this move will enable us to help even more.
I also know the hurt in my heart and the tears on my face.
Permalink
04.11.10
Posted in animals, family at 3:54 pm by david
- Lunch with the family.
- Having a dog in the office while I work.
- Sleeping until 7:00 and still being at work before 8:00.
- No one violating rule #1 in cubeville.
- Amount spent on gas in Oct 2009: $181.34. Amount spent on gas in Mar 2010: $43.53.
- “Home” from work 10 seconds after I shutdown the computer.
- Calling the bank and not having 3 people hear my account number.
- Not having to make small talk with the talkative guy at the next urinal.
- Using a speakerphone without being rude.
- 4 walls, 1 door.
Permalink
03.12.10
Posted in family at 8:24 pm by david
Yes, I’ve been absent from the blog for a while. Yes, this will be more excuses. It has been a very hard past month.
On Valentine’s Day we found out that Jennifer was pregnant.
This joyful news came right between the deaths of both of my grandmothers (events which warrant much more than a mere mention in passing in a blog). We planned to tell folks about it after our first ultrasound (at 8 weeks), so we could make sure everything was fine. That was on Mar 2. The only problem was, we did not get the news we were expecting. Our baby was there with a strong heartbeat, but the doctor saw something else. There were some things that did not look right and could indicate a partial molar pregnancy. You can look that up if you want, but basically it meant that, if it was a molar pregnancy, we would lose our baby. Jennifer handled it much better than I did—I just barely avoided fainting in the doctor’s office (really). We were scheduled for weekly ultrasounds until the doctor could state definitively one way or the other.
This past Tuesday we had the 2nd ultrasound. This one was much more promising. The baby was growing and the problems were disappearing. The doctor now has us at about 90% for being clear of the problems. Cautious optimism is starting to replace fear and terror (on my part).
So, in a very small nutshell, that is where I have been the past month.
More on my thoughts on impending fatherhood (for a second time) soon. (Sneak preview: We are so blessed by Anna, the law of averages has me a bit concerned.)
Permalink
01.31.10
Posted in church, justice, theology at 12:31 am by david
I’ve never had a good label. I just don’t fit most places I find myself. Men’s gatherings have always been tough because I’m not your typical guy; I don’t like sports, golf, guns, hunting, or cars. I stick out in the secular world because, in addition to being a Christian (and, therefore, “in this world but not of this world” as it were), people notice that I don’t cuss and I don’t drink. Ever. I’m not opposed to people drinking (provided it isn’t to excess), it just has no appeal to me. I certainly don’t fit into either end of the political spectrum. Being pro-life and anti-death-penalty kind of puts you at odds with both parties (and that is just 2 of the issues).
More and more, though, what has been bothering me, is where do I fit in the Church (note the big “C”)? Theologically, I am certainly evangelical. I believe in the inerrancy of Scripture, the Trinity, the physical resurrection of Christ, that Christ is the only means of salvation. I’m even pretty hard-core about predestination. Beyond theology, though, I don’t fit well within that mold. For starters, I am not Republican. Beyond that, as you have seen in my evolving blog posts of the past year or so, I have some additional views that do not fit well within the traditional evangelical church. I believe Micah 6:8 is just as true as John 3:16. I believe that the Church has dropped the ball on responding to social justice issues. Bono has done, and is doing, some terrific things to raise money and awareness, but where has the Church been that a rock star was the one to step up and take that mantle?
I believe we have a responsibility to be environmentally concerned and active as we are the stewards of this environment. I believe, as those ordained to rule over the animals, that we should be standing up for the protection of the animals under our domain. We are not to rule as despots, but as God’s ordained co-regents. I believe every human, not to mention every Christian, should be absolutely sick at the thought of almost 30,000 children dying preventable deaths every single day. Alas…
But I am nowhere near the liberal/social gospel label and not quite in the emergent circle, either. I still believe eternal life is more important than temporal life; I just don’t believe temporal needs should be forsaken as we prioritize eternal life. Saving a life now is a temporary (though valuable) win, when compared to the soul that gets to experience eternal life in God’s glory. That does not mean we are excused from meeting the needs of all in need. Only 1 came back to worship Christ, but He healed all 10 of their leprosy. We should be driven not only by our hearts breaking over the vast need, but also by our hearts overflowing with thanksgiving and God’s love. We should be delivering aid not just out of our love for the broken, but in the name of the Lamb who was broken.
Interestingly (at least, I think it is interesting), it is fairly traditional evangelical concepts that brought me here. The idea that we will be held accountable for how we use what we have been given. The idea that we are to be stewards of God’s resources. The idea of prioritizing God over self. So how did I end up on this road with so few traveling companions?
A common question in our church culture is “What is your shape?” Well, what if you are polymorphic? A new label has been emerging over the past couple of years: progressive evangelical. I think it fits. I wonder if I do.
Permalink
01.28.10
Posted in animals, family, tech at 11:00 pm by david
1 month since by last blog entry? Sheesh. Well, things have been a bit busy around here, so this is my catch-up entry.
Bailey
First of all, Bailey is heartworm negative! Huge thanks to God on that one. When we took him in for his neutering, they did a follow-up heartworm check and the heartworms were completely gone! They even did a different test for confirmation. So, Bailey is now healthy, and quite the handsome dog. He is listed on Petfinder now, waiting for his forever family to find him. He and Anna are still having great fun together and he is such a sweet, sweet boy.
Job Change
After more than 10 years, December 31st was my last day with INA. On January 11, I began my new job as a senior security consultant with FishNet Security doing security assessments. To borrow a line from Sneakers, people pay us to break into their places to make sure people can’t break into their places. I am very excited about getting started (my first engagement hasn’t started yet), and I think this position and this company are great fits for me. Some of the highlights:
- I’m working from home. Everyday. That means I get an extra 1-2 hours of sleep in the morning, I get to have lunch with the family, and I’m “home” 1-2 hours earlier each evening. Just eliminating the commute gives me at least an extra 2 hours each day. Of course, the downside is I don’t get snow days.
- No more on-call; no more overtime. When I’m done with work, I’m done with work. I may have to work at nights some, when a client doesn’t want testing done during business hours, but that will be instead of normal hours, not in addition to.
- There are some insanely talented people in this company. I mean, I’m working with guys who present at BlackHat, for crying out loud. That might not mean much to many of you, but it basically means I’m working with some of the best and brightest in the business.
- They are committed to regular training of their consultants. On the horizon (probably Q2) is BackTrack training and OSCP certification.
There will be a good bit of traveling involved, but working at home and having flexibility in my time (so I can go to story time at the library with Anna on Mondays) should actually give me more time with the family. My first engagement will be a 5-month project with a very, very large retailer here in Arkansas and I will be in Bentonville Monday through Friday for a couple of weeks. Other than those 2 weeks, though, the project will be remote so I will have very little travel for those 5 months. Score!
House Change
We’ve been toying with the idea of moving for a couple of years now. We are only 2½ years from having this one paid off and I was really looking forward to that. But, since I am working from home full-time now, I really need a dedicated office (instead of an office/guest room), as I need additional room and privacy (and the home office tax deduction won’t hurt either). Combine that with the tax credit for existing home owners, and this seemed like the perfect time. We’re going to be selling the house ourselves and hope to have it listed by Feb 1. I’ll post the URL for the house and more details once it is officially listed.
If you know anyone looking to buy a house, please let us know.
See you next month!
Permalink
12.28.09
Posted in frustrations at 3:51 pm by david
As everyone knows, the US had a scare on Christmas day when a Nigerian attempted to detonate explosives on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit. Obviously, that this man got on a plane with explosives is a huge security failing, but it was inevitable, as is another incident at some point.
A basic concept in security is whitelisting versus blacklisting. With a whitelist, you list the things you want to allow and, if something is not on that list, it is not allowed. Blacklist, on the other hand, is a list of things you want to disallow and, as long as something isn’t on that list, it is allowed. The problem, which is well-known and documented, is that black-listing is always incomplete. You can never fully “enumerate badness” (as John Strand refers to it). From a defensive position, you have to successfully defend against every single possible attack. From an offensive position, you only have to find one workable attack. As a defender, there will always either be something you miss or something new that comes out before you can respond to it.
That is not to say that blacklisting should never be used. The agencies are absolutely correct to ban explosives from planes. But they (and Congress and the public) need to recognize that black-listing will ultimately result in false-negatives (something that did not get flagged that should have been flagged). The outrage should not be at the failure of the airport screening—it has long been established as misdirected and ineffective. The outrage should be directed at the failure of human component in not investigating reported threats. This man’s own parents reported him to the embassy as a possible threat as he may have become radicalized. He then purchased an international ticket with cash and boarded with no luggage.
When I was in high school, I spent a week with my folks at Colorado Trails Ranch. Before our first horseback ride, they had an orientation session with Dick Elder, who ran the ranch. The one thing he said that still sticks in my mind is, “A horse knows what he knows. Period.” The idea being not to expect the horse to understand every little gesture, motion, utterance that you make. The horse knows a few commands and a horse knows what it wants (and you on its back does not necessarily fit into that category). The same thing applies to scanners and xray machines. “They detect what they detect. Period.” The screening didn’t fail because he didn’t pass through with something that should have been detected by the scanners in place. He passed through with something that was not on the blacklist.
The response to such a failure in the blacklist should not necessarily be to expand search and discovery methods. In this case, deploying some solution (let’s say, millimeter wave screening) might have resulted in this one individual being caught (if it had been deployed in Amsterdam or Nigeria). Surely the same cost deployed to investigation of reported threats could have not only stopped this man, but also confirmed or cleared many others of the 500,000+ currently on various lists.
There is nothing even remotely new or novel in this. All of this is well-known. It just isn’t widely recognized it seems.
Permalink
12.14.09
Posted in animals at 8:13 pm by david
Jennifer decided she preferred the name Bailey over Bacon. I resisted until I realized I could call him Beagle Bailey. I like that! So, Beagle Bailey it is.
When last we left you, 2 weeks ago, we had just rescued him from the side for Hwy 113. We took him to our vet the next day and got some eye drops to treat his eye gunk, some ear drops and ear wash to treat the yeast infection in his ears, and some oral antibiotics to protect him as his wounds healed. The idea was to keep just until he was healthy enough to go to the AAL ranch and be put up for adoption because it is way too soon after losing Russ for us to foster again. Turns out God disagrees. Again. You see, we also found out that Bailey is heartworm positive. Crap.
So, we told Donna that we would sponsor and foster him as he goes through his treatment. We really need a happy ending on this one. He goes in tomorrow to get neutered and to start on his heartworm pre-treatment. In 2 weeks, he’ll get his first injection to start killing the heartworms. A month after that, he’ll get his second injection. A month after that is the soonest he would be able to be up for adoption. That’s a minimum of 3 months that he will be with us.
So far, he is doing really well. He was already house-broken and we have him pretty well crate-trained now. He has no trouble being around Anna and she enjoys his licky-kisses (just as she did with Sasha). He is very affectionate and gets way too worked up at every reunion; he probably isn’t used to people who will always come back for him. He is pretty calm, especially for a beagle—though we are starting to see some of that beagle personality come through. Overall, though, he is a sweetie.
Permalink
« Previous entries
